I apologize

All my shine has been lost as my habits had been so abominable. I look pale and ugly. My skin has dried. My tooth has decayed. I lost my hair. My backbone is bent and my body is deformed. I feel no taste in my tongue. Extreme sour, pungent and sweet food has killed my digestive system. I could not walk straight and have to move slowly like a tortoise. My eyes are always red with blood. My body constantly shakes. I am helpless. I regret it so deeply. I regret my habits. I regret my thoughts. I regret my own decisions. I regret my company. I regret my addictions. I regret my false pride and false ego which lasted for no seconds and left me alone. My language has been destroyed. When I talk, I could not find optimism but fault findings and disgustion. I have bad thoughts filled with anger, greed, enmity and lust. I despise everyone. I help no one. I am not grateful. I am thankless. I remain quiet in the face of oppression. Still, I could not die. I could not stop breathing and leave this body myself. I am too coward to commit myself off. My sufferings have no boundations. I reflect darkness. People avoid me.

I had no control over my senses. I flew unconsciously without making use of my mind. I never said no to anything. I surrendered myself to my sense gratification. I never realized soon that it was hollowing me out and making me a live ghost. I am sorry to not listen to my heart and somewhere inside me that always ticked with caution and ‘not right’ feeling. The illusion of my immortality and overdependence on procrastination to not take any initiatives drowned me neck deep.

Perhaps it is too late and I am too old to do penance and correct things. The temple in which my consciousness resides has severely decayed. My consciousness itself is always distracted and could not concentrate. This is me. I should have been ethical to others. I should have avoided lying to others and manipulating people for my own good. I should not have betrayed people for fulfilling my desires. I should have respected relations, love and friendship. I should have…

Alas, I have some bleak light. I now see you as me and me as you. I find myself reflected in the light of the day and the darkness of the night. I mirror myself in the nonliving objects and living ones. I fold my hands to my chest and ask for apologies with lowered eyes. I disrespected myself by disrespecting you. My ignorance had made me a self-consumed person.

I apologize to myself and free myself of the regrets that I possess.